Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Great idea, Constantine! They will become more accepting of women and minorities and I’ll become more of a misogynistic racist.” Eeehh, no. Not exactly. We can teach acceptance for marginalized populations, and we can learn to not be so sensitive and take things so personally.
People––not just conservative people––like their boxes. Liberals are notorious for shouting, “DON’T PUT ME IN A BOX, IT’S A SPECTRUM!” Take a second to look at what you’re doing to the people you disagree with, that you believe differently from. You label them, put them in a box, and throw them away. Think about how much courage it can take to come out as LGBTQ+, that you are part of a marginalized community. It can take that same amount of courage for someone to say that they believe differently in a very homogenized, conservative community. Asking them to change their views can be asking them to alienate themselves from everything they know: friends, family, job opportunities, livelihood, religious practices, so many basic human needs.
I hate to say it, but most people in the world, when faced with choosing to sacrifice something of themselves on behalf of others, often choose themselves. For instance, there are queer people who actively choose to stay closeted because the risk of dissenting opinion is just too great. They would rather keep who they are a secret to have access to more resources. And I know…that’s what we’re fighting against, but take a moment to consider that catch-22 of it all. Take a moment to consider that the only way someone can have enough courage to change is to show them that they will be accepted elsewhere. That they’re not giving everything up if they change, and in fact there might be even more waiting for them on the other side.
So that’s the obvious rub. Us vs. Them. What about within the feminist community? Sometimes there are virtual shouting matches over what it means to be a feminist. Let’s come back to the definition of feminism: the advocacy of women’s rights based on the equality of the sexes. That’s it. That’s the foundation. From there, we’ve built in additional framework to advocate for everyone’s rights based on equality of everyone. That’s a bit… vague. And whenever set out for a vague and intangible goal, you’re immediately set up for failure. You get overwhelmed. You get frustrated. You start projecting your anger. Nobody listens because you’re not expressing yourself in the most approachable way. You get stuck. You keep trying to achieve this nebulous and multi-faceted dream. And the cycle repeats. I say, let’s stick to the basics and praise any bonus endeavors rather than ostracizing everyone for not taking the weight of the world on their shoulders.
Let’s please pick our battles, make the conversation fit the comment, and remember that feminism means different things to different people. If we project the entire weight of all our personal experiences onto a single person, moment, comment, or injustice, the battle is already lost.
Everyone has a forest of experiences and beliefs through which they walk and live. If we come in trying to uproot somebody’s entire forest which they spent their lives nourishing and living in, they won’t let it happen. However, if we plant seeds, those seeds can slowly grow, integrate, and overtake a forest. There are different levels of severity in each instance and battle, so let’s use our discretion; Is this an instance where a person’s tree needs chopping down or will planting a seed do?
The kind of change we’re working toward is under a thick canopy of preconceptions. It takes time. There is already a fire burning, clearing out the old to make way for the new, and if we aren’t patient in how we plant these new ideas, we will burn each other, and the same old growth will come back.
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