A harmful truth is better than a useful lie.
Thomas Mann
It’s something I imagine we have all experienced: we are talking with someone, and they lie to us, and we know they are lying, and they know that we know they are lying, and yet, we nod along, brush it off as if this is a natural and normal way of communicating.
But are their consequences to a knowing acceptance of a lie?
I say yes. I proffer that in a desire to not make a fibber uncomfortable, or to avoid a conflict by confronting them on a canard, or for whatever reason not to call out a falsehood, we become collaborators in the deceit. By not pointing out their dishonesty, we serve as “conversational money launders” – cleansing the fabrication and giving it credibility via our silence.
Now, there are lies, and there are LIES. There is a difference between someone saying you look great, when you haven’t had a shower in days and your hair has more snarls than strands, than if a person you lent money, for the umpteenth time, assures that the “check is in the mail.” But big or small, a lie is still a lie. And like eating peanuts, per se, once you start, it’s hard to stop. As the famous Walter Scott proverb goes, “O, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.”
Yet we can’t seem to help ourselves when it comes to lying. And why is that? Jason Kurtz, a leading psychoanalyst in New York City, the author of the memoir “Follow The Joy”, and an award-winning playwright, offers this as one explanation:
“It’s always tempting to lie, because a lie offers an easy solution to many problems. Don’t want to go to the party? Pretend to be sick. Didn’t finish your assignment on time? Pretend to have gone to a funeral. We all know it’s not “good” to lie, but it’s hard to resist when it can make life so much easier.”
But alas, in life, there is no “free lunch”…or fib. Jason continues:
“So, why tell the truth? Because it forces us to live according to a higher standard. When we know we will not lie, then we know we can’t take the easy way out. We are forced to either go to the party, or admit that we didn’t want to. We are forced to finish our assignment on time, or we’ll have to face the consequences. Committing to telling the truth is a commitment to ourselves. It’s a commitment that we are going to try to live according to our true values. And this kind of commitment, helps makes us better people.”
I’m ready to commit – to be more truthful in my life, and to encourage others to be so as well. As a college professor, I have newly instituted a change in language when it comes to my students. For example, if a student tells me they were late to class because their alarm didn’t go off, or, if they commute, and there was unexpected traffic, I ask instead they say: “I wanted to be late.” While I know they may be telling the truth about the alarm not going off or the traffic, I believe there is a deeper truth to the idea that their tardiness is more about them than circumstance. That is, if they really wanted to be at class on time, they would make sure of the alarm. And if driving, they would plan ahead for traffic.
The point is, I believe we almost always, within limits, do what we want in life. And by asking my students to “voice their choice”, I am asking them to live life more intentionally, and to be more realistic and honest with themselves. It’s not an easy practice to institute – I see my students recoiling against the idea at times, feeling as if I am calling them a liar. And it’s not easy for me to pin that feeling on them. But I believe in the long run this will benefit them, and me, and, more importantly, all of us, as a learning community, operating in a place of honesty without judgment.
At least that’s the idea. And, of course, I’m not lying.
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