The sun sets in the Southie neighborhood of Boston, which is Boston’s only neighborhood. It is snowing heavily, and everything looks cold but somehow also wet. People are shovelling snow into six-foot-high piles while others walk past, tightly gripping their winter coats to shelter themselves from the bitterly cold wind. Everyone is angry. They are angry because they live in Massachusetts.
INT. BAR—NIGHT
At a bar, MATT DAMON and ONE OF THE AFFLECKS (the one you like less) both order a Sam Adams, the only beer legally allowed to be served on tap in Massachusetts. Matt Damon is a janitor with a checkered past who is struggling with inner demons. The Affleck brother is also a janitor with a checkered past who is struggling with inner demons. Every person in Boston is either a janitor, a cop, or a college professor. Every person is also white because no nonwhite person would be crazy enough to live in Boston.
TWO GUYS on the other side of the bar look over in their general direction, and that, in Boston, is the universal sign that they want to fight. Matt Damon and the Affleck brother get into a fistfight with them and get thrown out of the bar.
AFFLECK BROTHER: Screw this. Let’s go to Dunks.
They go to Dunkin’, where they each order a Boston cream doughnut and an iced coffee despite the fact that it’s twenty-two degrees outside. The coffee and doughnuts temporarily distract them from the inner demons haunting them night and day.
INT. M.I.T. LECTURE HALL—DAY
A PROFESSOR, who has a checkered past and is struggling with inner demons, is standing at the front of a large lecture hall. Behind him on the chalkboard is a nearly impossible math problem.
PROFESSOR: I am putting together a team of geniuses to pull off an elaborate heist, which is why I have gathered a room full of gorgeous white people. You know, typical M.I.T. students.
Matt Damon walks into the classroom to empty the trash, but sees the math problem and immediately solves it. Impressed, the professor hires Matt Damon to do the heist instead of the gorgeous white M.I.T. students.
INT. LAW-ENFORCEMENT HEADQUARTERS—DAY
At the headquarters of an esoteric law-enforcement agency that exists only in Massachusetts, a TEAM OF LOCAL, STATE, AND FEDERAL LAW-ENFORCEMENT AGENTS are gathered. MARK WAHLBERG, KEVIN BACON, and the OTHER AFFLECK, each of whom have checkered pasts and are struggling with inner demons, are among the agents. The agents are all angry because they don’t trust one another. They don’t trust one another because every single one of them is an informant for a different organized-crime syndicate. And every organized-crime syndicate is also informing on a different law-enforcement agency, leading to a constant state of confusion and distrust.
MARK WAHLBERG: Listen up, you [racial and/or homophobic slur that we can’t print]. We know that this M.I.T. professor is planning an elaborate heist, and it’s up to us to stop him. But first we have to find the rat in the department.
OTHER AFFLECK: Who the hell are you?
MARK WAHLBERG: I’m the guy who does his job. You must be the guy who likes apples.
OTHER AFFLECK: I bet your mutha likes apples.
MARK WAHLBERG: You leave my ma out of this, you goddam son of a bitch!
The law-enforcement agents get into a large brawl where many racial and homophobic epithets are hurled.
INT. BAR—NIGHT
Matt Damon meets a LOVE INTEREST, who is not from Boston but attends Harvard University, the premier academic institution for love interests. Despite his thick accent and lack of conversation skills, there is something about his steely New England demeanor that appeals to her. They leave the bar and get Dunkin’ iced coffees before going back to her place.
EXT. BOSTON COMMON—DAY
The professor makes Matt Damon go to therapy because he believes that it will make him a better criminal. The THERAPIST, a community-college professor with a checkered past who is struggling with inner demons, tries to get Matt Damon to open up. They sit by the duck pond in the Boston Common and bond over farts, the great equalizer that all people with checkered pasts who are struggling with inner demons can relate to. They go get Dunkin’ Boston cream doughnuts, which make them fart more, strengthening their bond even further.
INT. LOVE INTEREST’S APARTMENT—NIGHT
In bed, Matt Damon and the love interest make plans to run away to a warmer, more hospitable place where people are equally miserable but less flatulent (California).
EXT. BOSTON—DAY
Matt Damon, with the help of one Affleck and the other Affleck (who is working undercover), successfully robs Fenway Park on Free Dunkin’ Day, the busiest day of the Red Sox’s season. “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” by Dropkick Murphys, plays as the trio is chased by a fleet of law-enforcement vehicles. They manage to get away thanks to Boston’s streets, which are virtually empty and notoriously straightforward to navigate.
INT. LAW-ENFORCEMENT HEADQUARTERS—DAY
Back at the law-enforcement-agency headquarters, the agents are shocked to discover that the SPOTLIGHT TEAM, a crack team of investigative journalists from the Boston Globe, have uncovered a huge corruption scandal within Boston’s law-enforcement community. Outraged, the law-enforcement agents get into a large brawl. Mark Wahlberg shoots the other Affleck. Then Kevin Bacon shoots Mark Wahlberg. Then the other Affleck, who wasn’t actually dead yet, shoots Kevin Bacon. Then the therapist, who it turns out was an F.B.I. informant, goes to Matt Damon’s house and shoots him, leaving the love interest to raise their unborn child alone, virtually guaranteeing that he’ll grow up to have a checkered past and struggle with inner demons. The camera pans up to reveal a shot of the Massachusetts State House. A rat scurries across the screen. The rat is eating a Dunkin’ Boston cream doughnut. ♦
